~something need to be thrown~

salam,

im already at home while writing this...
the familiar land,sea and air~
the humid weather which cant be hate even i cursed at it almost everyday
the not so fresh air but im still preferred it above anything else
well unless i try the sweden or switzerland maybe new zealand or italy..HAHA

apparently today was a bit tough
first time i've felt how is it to send someone away
in easier word sending my sister for her study where she is obligate to stay in hostel.
that is actually the FIRST time ever my sis been away from home
listening to her voice in her phone call just now
i know she's restraining herself from crying...
i've been in her foot before and i just know the feeling of lost and afraid.
its just cruel actually.........

her non-presence in the house is totally felt by my family
and deep inside my little heart some bad thought appeared;

i've been questioning myself did my non-presence all this while makes my family feel the same way or is it nothing or maybe they're already immune without me?
to feel that way make me sick...i am not sincere as a daughter and a sister.

my mom keep asking me if i can call my sis
my dad start complaining that his day will be a bit rough with my sis absence
my bro worrying about his school,who'll be waking him up and sending him after this.
and to me they insisted that they're actually OKAY with it

at this time my heart sank.
me being the daughter and sister in this house but i've no responsibility to hold instead of being the good name in the family...i am their trump card and i dont mind even a bit of that.
i am proud that my family take me that way
but still the feeling of cant do anything to ease the situation make me a helpless person.

im not a good cooker like my sister
i cant drive like my sister
i dont know much about what's happening around the house
im not a very good nurse to my mom like my sister

at the end of the story
its all my fault from the beginning
at the age of 5 i already decide to be away from home
till presence time i am still away from home...and i never try to avoid it.
that's my fate that ALLAH had written for me and i sincerely accepted it.
this is just a mere trash that i need to throw away from my heart.
i am travelling HIS vast world to gain his bless and love
and i am up for the challenge...
this whole decision brings the pro and conts in my life but i still dont want to regretted it!
i am so dependable to myself that i am afraid to depends on others.
and because of this my mom had ask me to be more open to others and start find someone for me to depend on...someone that will love me!

im still not dare to.......

++im currently grooving with:b1a4-only learn the bad things++